DIANA DEATH AN ACCIDENT, DIANA STILL DEAD

So, a U.K. jury decided that Diana was "unlawfully killed" when her car hit a pillar in Paris over 10 FUCKING YEARS AGO.

After six months of hearings and testimony by more than 250 witnesses, a jury at a British inquest found Monday that Princess Diana and her lover, Dodi al
Fayed, were unlawfully killed by the negligent driving of their chauffeur and photographers who pursued the couple's speeding Mercedes into a Paris underpass over 10 years ago. (Via International Herald Tribune)

I remember that fateful night when I found out about Diana's death and exactly where I was and what I was doing. Oh wait, no I don't because I have better things to do than to worry about some lady that would have become a queen in an entirely pointless and toothless monarchy. Now if she would have been in line to start beheading assholes who crossed her then it would have been a tragedy.

Glad to see that 6 million dollars were spent on this trial too. Good to see that even in the U.K. they have their priorities straight.

When reached for comment Diana said: "..."

ALL CAPS

Why must people insist on typing things in ALL CAPS?? Typing, I know, is a fairly new development in the history of humanity. For those of us that have had computers or typewriters our whole lives (and at this point those who have not are like 100 years old and not on the interwebs anyway to read this post (hell, no one is on the interwebs to read this post so lick balls)) it is pretty much understood that capital letters equals yelling. So why would you yell an entire email?

I mean, I can move my left pinky finger approximately .4667 inches and press the caps lock button. Those of you that peck at the keyboard need to move your entire hand approximately 3 inches.

Is it too much to ask that you not TYPE YOUR ENTIRE EMAIL LIKE THIS. THIS IS PRETTY ANNOYING IF YOU ARE USED TO READING PROFESSIONAL EMAILS ALL DAY LONG. IF YOU HAD A TYPEWRITER WOULD YOU BE DOING THIS? CAN I EXPECT A VOICEMAIL LIKE THIS? WILL I MURDER YOU IF YOU TYPE LIKE THIS?

I think Jeffrey Dahmer typed his emails in all caps and that dude was a dick...or liked to eat dicks...or something...

Really?

http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/7936746/Disgraced-ref-Donaghy


READ THE STORY FIRST!!!

Ok, so one of my favorite SNL skits of all time was the "Really?" segment of Weekend Update. So in honor (and blatant plagiarism) of this skit I am going to play the "Really?" game about the above article. (which if you haven't read yet will make this blog so much funnier)

Really? Now he is going to snap Kim...really?
Now that the cash flow has stopped? Really?
Really Kim? Before when he lost his temper it was no big deal huh?
Really? This guy went from great guy with whom you could have 4 kids with to raging lunatic overnight...really?
Oh wait, he has done this in the past? Really? Now you decide the kids are in danger? Really? Not before when that money was rolling in huh?
Really? Really? before it wasn't an issue? Really?

Wow, way to stand next to your man Kimmy....for that you get the (not-pagiarised) "Money greedy bitch who had no problem taking a beating everyonce in awhile as long as she was Gucci'd up" award.
Or better yet here is an even more prestigious award. The....."Money Greedy Bitch of a Whore Mother who didn't mind letting her kids get abused as long as she was Gucci'd up and now that her husband won't be able to provide said Gucci wants to use her children to sustain her lifestyle" Here is some advice for you...get a job you spoiled bitch, sell that Mercedes and let the real victims of spousal abuse use the resources and energy of that high priced attorney you no doubt hired.

Cool Runnings and Dead Presidents

Guate (9:01:46 AM): man I hate Janet
csam (9:01:58 AM): we could send her to the Congo?
Guate (9:02:18 AM): she is talking to me about some stupid transformer that blew on the strip last night
Guate (9:02:53 AM): so you know "no elevators, no lights in the rooms (gremlin giggle)"
Guate (9:03:18 AM): and she is walking back to her cage and says, "so the generators kicked on" Guate (9:03:35 AM): so basically things stopped for about 3 seconds
Guate (9:03:51 AM): and she felt the need to walk all the way out here to tell me
Guate (9:04:46 AM): did you hear how Halle Berry ruined her childs life?

csam (9:15:02 AM): that was a great story

csam (9:15:14 AM): by making it the hottest woman in 20 years?
Guate (9:15:14 AM): lol
csam (9:15:49 AM): gremlin giggle, walking back to her cage, i mean it was classic
Guate (9:16:55 AM): Nahla Ariela Aubry
Guate (9:17:19 AM): and its not pronounced the way it looks
Guate (9:17:32 AM): yeah gremlin giggle is all morgan
Guate (9:18:40 AM): and when she is in her cage we call her the retarded bobsledder
csam (9:18:59 AM): lol...thats fantastic
csam (9:19:09 AM): the retarted bobsledder...thats great
Guate (9:19:12 AM): yeah
Guate (9:20:08 AM): for some reason, well no, not for some reason. She is too lazy to sit up straight so she looks like she is leaning into the sled and when she hears a sound she only rotates her head
csam (9:20:58 AM): you should buy her one of those cyclist helmets
Guate (9:21:05 AM): the long ones?
csam (9:21:10 AM): yeah
csam (9:21:14 AM): the tear drop ones
Guate (9:21:24 AM): oh yes
csam (9:21:53 AM): i would send you a link of a picture but my computer is scanning for viruses so i dont need to add to the ongoing virus collection i have going
Guate (9:22:15 AM): So I have another story to tell you
Guate (9:22:27 AM): which may or may not bring back memories
csam (9:22:32 AM): alright
Guate (9:22:49 AM): So last year i had Morgan fill out a bracket for the tourney
Guate (9:22:57 AM): and this year we did it again
Guate (9:23:07 AM): (that's what she said)
Guate (9:24:07 AM): and while we are filling out said brackets the girl comes down from upstairs asking if anyone wanted to participate in the bracket challenge
Guate (9:24:22 AM): so of course I'm like yes and leave one for morgan too
csam (9:24:33 AM): alright
Guate (9:24:43 AM): Well the bracket entry fee is two dollars
csam (9:25:18 AM): thats gambling and not necessarily "legal" in a "law school" but i remember i went in every year it was held so ok...im with you
Guate (9:25:30 AM): and for the past two days we have been trying to figure out how we are going to get two dollars without taking 20 out of the machine
csam (9:25:39 AM): ok
csam (9:25:46 AM): two days? really?
csam (9:25:46 AM): ok
Guate (9:26:05 AM): i mean really 2 dollars?
Guate (9:26:19 AM): like Morgan says, cash is for old people
Guate (9:26:25 AM): (( ))
csam (9:26:54 AM): akon likes to say that "cash rules everything around me"...he invented that by the by
Guate (9:27:04 AM): so yesterday we arrived at what I thought was the penultimate ridiculous idea
Guate (9:27:15 AM): i hate that by the way
Guate (9:27:40 AM): we took all the quarters, dimes and nickles out of my drawer and counted them out
Guate (9:27:56 AM): well Morgan did, I just shook my head and stared in amazement
csam (9:28:18 AM): so if it was the penultimate ridiculous idea there means there is an ultimate ridiculous idea forthcoming?
Guate (9:28:28 AM): because if cash is for old people paying in coins is for people who wrote the Declaration of Independence
csam (9:29:06 AM): you should get a coin purse and meticulously count out every cent to pay for it
Guate (9:29:18 AM): so Capitana Ridiculous comes in today with what.....
Guate (9:29:22 AM): a clean
Guate (9:29:23 AM): crisp
Guate (9:29:30 AM): two dollar bill



csam (9:29:36 AM): that
csam (9:29:37 AM): is
csam (9:29:39 AM): amazing.
Guate (9:30:03 AM): which immediately brought back memories of...?
csam (9:30:26 AM): the stack of two dollar bills our parents "hid" in the top drawer of the dresser in their room
Guate (9:30:53 AM): booyah
csam (9:31:14 AM): i was gonna ask if morgan stole it from her moms dresser drawer

Golden Showers

I hate

and I DO MEAN HATE

MEN who pee on their girlfriends, wives, cuddle bunnies, friends who they want to be their girlfriends, etc, etc blah blah blah. When I say pee on I don't mean literally peeing on them although that isn't a favorite of mine either. I mean the men who feel the need to either affirm or reaffirm the nature of their relationship with the women they are with. So on to the pee parade, everyone has seen this person in action or has been around when this happens. Although I am not a fan of PDA I can generally tell the difference between the two. For example, guys, next time you are walking in a store or a mall or a casino and you see a guy and a girl walking together do the following. Walk behind them for a while and count how many times he initiates contact, a love tap, a hand grab, an arm around the shoulder. Then after a few minutes of that walk up and walk as close to the girl as social boundaries permit. Close enough to be considered close but not close enough to be considered a creepy McCreeperson. So when you walk next to them/her see how much he touches her or grabs her and in some cases leads her away from you. This is what peeing looks like. So now that you know what it looks like you can look for it among your group of friends. Some of you probably have a friend or two who are like this. More than likely you will see the following red flags to let you know you have a pee pee enthusiast. Say you are going somewhere you know you will be sitting for an extended amount and where music or loud noises will be present. At this location you know you will want to talk with the entire group.

But what do these people do?

They position themselves between the entire group and their girl. That way if someone wants to say something to her they either have to lean uncomfortably over the lap of ANOTHER DUDE or they have to yell over everybody and everything making noise. Another popular activity is if the girl manages to break away from the holds of the guy and actually starts having a good time with someone else, especially another guy he will immediately come into the conversation and either awkwardly join in or if he is brazen enough he will literally grab her and push her away in a "joking" manner.

Now on to the most blatant and brazen action I have ever heard of when it comes to golden showers.

At their most threatened state these guys will either touch or kiss or say something to their girl and immediately turn to stare you down. This is such a bizarre thing to do if you think about it. Why else would someone make physical contact and then look at someone else? How does this make sense? Well my friend if you have ever watched the discovery channel you will recognize this as a form of attempting to assert possession. Kind of like when lions sit as close to the slain antelope as possible and stare down the vultures and hyenas. They are not even partaking of the food but they still feel the need to assert their possession. Lions do this for survival, pee'ers do this because they are intimidated by the presence of other guys and are so insecure of their manhood they think that the woman who chose to start dating them or marry them or whatever is going to walk away with the next best thing. And in reality they don't realize that women are like STD's, once they are a part of you it is damn near impossible to get rid of them no matter how big of an effeminate, self-conscious, scared person you are.

The Dark Knight

Guate (2:56:47 PM): I am looking forward to this Batman movie
csam (2:57:13 PM): yeah me too
csam (2:57:54 PM): is it sad/funny/strange/sick as shit that im more excited about it since ledger died?
Guate (2:57:56 PM): i heard the Joker is grimy son
Guate (2:58:12 PM): if it is I am in the boat with you
Guate (2:59:04 PM): like I said I want to see the character that was so sociopathic it killed a man
csam (2:59:37 PM): yeah, i heard the same thing about joker in this one
Guate (3:00:58 PM): yeah
Guate (3:01:34 PM): Ledger had told his family that the nature of The Joker really freaked him out and that is what got him on sleeping pills
csam (3:02:29 PM): yeah, im definitely seeing that in a theater son
Guate (3:02:46 PM): uhhh number one, it's a make believe character dude. Number two, how great did he have to play him to begin associating himself with the personality of said make believe character?
csam (3:03:45 PM): thats the greatness of it...instead of doing joker as some caricature he was like...this is one fucked up dude right here...(opens door) well, see you in a few months...
Guate (3:04:13 PM): yeah
Guate (3:04:15 PM): lol
Guate (3:04:46 PM): did you hear the drunkard was bitching that they didnt ask him to reprise the role of The Joker?
csam (3:05:14 PM): yeah, like this grimy batman needed that joker (see what i did there?)
Guate (3:08:33 PM): lol
Guate (3:08:43 PM): i hoope they keep making movies
Guate (3:08:48 PM): like this
Guate (3:09:23 PM): can you imagine catwoaanm (catwoman, I got a little excited there)
csam (3:10:07 PM): i see that...hard to type around a small, VERY SMALL boner i see
Guate (3:10:13 PM): lol
Guate (3:10:16 PM): work dude
Guate (3:10:52 PM): but seriously, can you imagine a catwoman in these movies? They would have to be NC-17
csam (3:11:32 PM): or have a picture of you at every movie theater with a circle and a slash through it

Black (sorta)+White=Black?

Alright, so I find myself on IMDB.com this morning checking all the movies I will be ignoring for the next year or so and I stumble across a movie called "Day of the Dead". Well, you had me at "Dead" so, as a dog that sniffs his own shit, I decided to investigate. The trailer is above (Update: The trailer is no longer above...I have replaced it with a picture of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.). I'll wait (Update: I'll still wait.). So here is my question--the writer's name is Jeffrey Reddick and he is pictured meah--

The director's name is Steve Miner and he is pictured meah--

So the writer, who is black, sits down and he says...hmm, I have a black main character in my movie for the first time so what should he say? "think ima like it heah", "see a black man with a sharp stick it posed to be a spear", "why white people always wanna split up", along with "dats whack", "daaaaamn" and "whatchu talkin bout whitey?". I mean, here is a successful black writer and stereotypical phrases is the best he can come up with for his black main character? How does a black writer write a script to be directed by a white guy that includes the above phrases? I've decided to write a show where hispanic characters eat beans and rice, dance the macarena and say things like "ole" and "death to whitey". I think it'll be a hit.