Friday, June 26, 2009

Farewell and Good Luck

St. Boringville has always been and will always be for the children. This is why we placed a lifetime ban on Michael Jackson a very long time ago. The archives department of St. Boringville has dug deep into the files and the lifetime ban notification can be found here. The news that Michael Jackson had passed away yesterday came to the delight of most young boys.
We are here today to mourn this man, not the white woman who was reclusive and hung his child over a rail. This man gave us Thriller, Bad, Don't Stop..., Billie Jean, etc.
We also would like to send out our warmest wishes to the children of Michael Jackson. What were they again? "Pillow" and "Sprinkle Cup"?? and "Melondrop Kisses from the Moon Men"? *Always welcome in St. Boringville*

So in closing I would like to say that while St. Boringville did in fact place a lifetime ban on Michael Jackson, we do respe....aww fuck it, the guy was a child molester people. I hope he burns in hell right along with Hitler and Mother Theresa.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Dear Co-Worker,

My body is an amazing thing. I enjoy the way it guards my life and allows me to achieve greatness. Have you ever thought about the greatness inherent with even the simplest of tasks that are performed by my body? If I get too cold it prompts my muscles to shake slightly in order to warm me. If it gets too warm it causes pores in my amazing epidermis to open and emit a minute quantity of liquid to cool me down. Did you also know that as amazing as this liquid is that is emitted, it has some unintended consequences? Were you aware that social norms require me to try and control this amazing cooling function because of these unintended side effects? So why in the HOLY FUCK is the thermometer set at 84 degrees indoors in the summer in the middle of the FUCKING desert ? Did you know that ones own sweat, no matter how perfumed, still smells like a dead corpse after one sits in it for 8 FUCKING hours?

Your response--you chose to live in the desert, so you should be used to the heat--holds little water when one stops to consider that I am not a FUCKING pioneer. I live in a day and age where conditioned air is readily available and reasonably priced so why exactly should I EVER get used to the outside temperature? I am outside for approximately 2% of the day between my conditioned house, my conditioned car and my previously conditioned workplace. Why are you afraid to admit the real reason why you choose to live your life at 85 degrees farenheit? Are your convictions in your fatally flawed geopolitics so weak that you hide behind this weak ass argument? Tell me how many trees I kill every time I lower the thermostat to a reasonable temperature or how many pandas just lost their natural habitats you gutless BITCH. I can respect this. I hope your Prius has an electrical failure and you lose control of all your systems and you run over a desert tortoise humping a panda who is fellating a white tiger on your way to your fiery death.


Panda Killer

Monday, June 1, 2009

Another (sigh) open letter to A DIFFERENT co-worker

Dear Co-Worker,

Why are you such a spaz? Why is it that I can detect when you have tornado'd your way through my work space?
Is this how my paper clip dispenser (which has a hole in the top of it for easy, ready access to the paperclips) looked when you first grabbed it like George grabs bunnies?

How do you not notice this is not how the books and cup holder on my desk looked like before you crashed into them like a tsunami?

Is your name Katrina? Did you break the levees?

*My co-worker apparently

In conclusion, please stay the fuck away from my desk or I will be forced to write a strongly worded email to our boss. (I hate pussy ass white collar America, dammit)