Tuesday, November 18, 2008

So I'm watching the crappy craptacular that is AFC football (Cleveland Underachievers versus Buffalo 4-Timers) last night and after a comedic, Benny Hill-type night, suddenly the game came down to this. 47 yards for the win. Wide right. Ballgame. Got me thinking--what happened to Scott Norwood? I feel bad for the guy. Even his wikipedia entry is apologetic.

While Norwood always will be blamed by many for "choking" in the clutch, the
other Bills had many opportunities during the course of the game to put it away
on their own. Having reached the 30 yard line to set up a 47-yard kick, the
Bills' offense did not set the team up for a win, as 47 yards was longer than
Norwood's best career kick on a grass field.

How do you come back from something like that? Basically everyone in Buffalo blames you for losing their one real chance for a title. Having that on your conscience every day would drive me insane. Then again, it's only Buffalo. That's like having an ugly girl mad at you. An ugly girl with bad breath, bad teeth, tummy rolls and spandex pants.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Be Careful

I really really enjoy it when people slow down when they see a cop on the side of the road IN THE MIDDLE OF PULLING SOMEONE ELSE OVER.
No, seriously, I really like going from 75 to 55 in a heartbeat.
What the fuck do you think is going to happen? What the fuck do you think the cop pulled over the other person for?

Do you really think the cop is going to look up and see you whizzing by and say to himself "hey, speeding is against the law, forget this car I JUST pulled over for doing the same thing. I am now going to STOP writing this guy a ticket and come after you"
Seriously you dumb shits, either you are stupid and really think that is going to happen or you think that someone getting a ticket is something worth slowing down for.This is why we don't have cops in St. Boringville.
Lots and lots of hookers and blow but no cops.

* PTA President of St. Boringville

Friday, September 19, 2008

San Diego is Gay

This is a picture of the San Diego Padres rookies prancing about in a not-so-creative annual hazing. What you can't see is the veterans in the dugout and an entire stadium of only men giving each other the ol' heave ho. There can't possibly be any baby wards in that city because all the men are constantly giving each other blow jobs. If a woman miraculously gets pregnant with a future sword fighter she has to drive into Tijuana to give birth. I think the only thing gayer than San Diego is a grown man bragging about San Diego.

P.S. Fuck You Matt.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

A/S/L Wanna Chat?

I had this conversation with a friend of mine earlier and the whole time I was thinking. To show you bastards what goes on in my head I decided to record my thoughts.

*As before, the name of my friend has been changed to protect their identity*

me: How are you doing? God, here we go. Time to keep up appearances.

ShNiki: phew...phew? What do you really do? what aday. but i am good and yourself?

sounds like you are having a great time!

me: not bad I just wasted a ton of my time I really did...

and I actually need to get stuff done today I really do PAUSEnot

ShNiki: what did you waste your time doing?

me: walking around talking about shit that I am going to be doing anyway

I am a 26 year old man working with all 55+ women

who do you think is going to be moving all this shit?

ShNiki: mmm...so you are the burly lacky? burly? Did we go to sleep and wake up in the 40's?

me: yes, yes I am

What happened in your day?

Shniki: well there was a video/teleconfernce that i had to take care of because the representative from our company is in France pussies, and all the people that were in the meeting here were from other companies, so I was the face of the group and the contact person

me: wow that sounds like fun Take me now.

look at you putting those limited resources you were born with to good use. Oh shit, I better put something else here being the face of something

ShNiki: i know. Feel the jealous!

lol usually not a good thing! Look at me, look at me, please, compliment me.

I didn't.

me: so what else happened? *Dismissive wanking motion*

ShNiki: well it was a four hour meeting so i had to take care of the copies, video/teleconference logistics, the food, the going to the store to get more sodas the cleaning up along with all the other asinine things that people give me. Such as people who have been here longer than me and do the same job i do HOLY SHIT, you are still typing? not knowing what the difference between the bypass tray and tray 1

me: so basically you work with monkeys? This is what we in the "biz" call "throwing them a bone"

ShNiki: ya. with phd's

me: Wow Well. You slept with someone to get that job.

ShNiki: yep. be jealous of me

me: oh I am very jealous God, this is brutal. How can I get out of this? OOOH OOH, got it.

any plans for tonight or the weekend?

ShNiki: uhm? why?

Because I am writing a fucking report on what boring people do with their free time.

me: just asking

ShNiki: well, tonight not so much *shocked, friday, not so much *shocked, saturday i have a birthday party Yes yes, a "birthday party" read: not so much

and you? DAMMIT, I fell into that one. How do I avoid THIS...aannndddd ignore.

me: Whose birthday is it?

ShNiki: My friend Becca "friend". You used to play B-ball <--Who are you, the Fresh Prince?with her bro. Quincy, but we have talked about him before and you don't remember him I barely remember who you are, why should I remember that asshole?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Come on you bastards. Everyday I log into my adsense account and everyday I see this sad and pitiful sight.

That makes me so sad that if I had a monkey I would spank it every time I saw that. Also I know that this is a moot point because only 1 or 2 people actually read this regularly but if you do happen to stumble across it please leave a comment. Google is reading the web page and it thinks we are interested in this stuff.As I have said before, St. Boringville is a town that accepts and welcomes with open arms all people from all walks of life. If you are a man and you want to wear a pouch thong *shudder then who am I to stop you? Who am I to call you a gay faggot queer who reigns over gay kingdom as High Queen of butt pirates and fudge packers? Who am I to say that you disgust me and that they should, along with the blacks and the Jews, stick you all on an island somewhere. NO GOOD SIRS, that is not my place to tell you something like that so you keep on wearing what you want to.

But for the love of god can we make another post the most popular so I don't have to keep looking at that queer shit everyday.

Diplomatic Greetings

Some of you have bitched and moaned about my usage of the picture of Stephen Hawking.
And by some of you I mean the people in my delusional fantasy land where this blog is actually popular and doesn't just serve to stave off my murderous rampage if not for another day.
To these people I give you this.
Stephen Hawking can literally lick my balls. People who say it is wrong to make fun of someone in his condition can l-i-c-k m-y- b-a-l-l-s.
Do you know who he is? Do you know what he has done? I make fun of ol'Stevie because I know that whatever I say or whatever I do he will always be able to look at me and tell me to lick HIS balls and I will feel like maybe that is a command that I should follow.
This guy is a freaking genius and not like one of those real men of genius either but a certified mentally pound you in the ass theoretical physicist. This guy belongs to the Pontifical Academy of Sciences. That means that essentially his only purpose in life is to sit around and think shit up that would make YOUR head explode.
Never mind that even without the crippling disease he looks like he would be a nancy boy anyway. And to be quite honest we in St. Boringville question the legitimacy of his disease. I think he is just lazy.
So to you Stephen Hawking we send out a diplomatic caravan loaded with "Fuck You's" and "Lick our balls" ff

That's It

I have had it.
I completely agree that when someone spends over 10 hours a week "playing" fantasy sports it might be time to have a little discussion.
I completely agree that at times men care about trivial things that woman can't seem to understand.
I completely agree that you should find a happy medium between activities alone and activities together.

However, what you women are doing is giving women everywhere the right to bitch and moan about any activity your man does when he is not focusing every ounce of energy on you.
Don't like your man watching TV at night? godaddy.com and get the ball rollin
Don't like your man listening to a certain type of music? godaddy.com and get the ball rollin
Don't like your man eating that extra slice of pizza? godaddy.com and you get the picture.
HEY. Ladies. Here is an idea. Next time your man is at the computer or on the couch "wasting his time" go down on him and see how long he messes around with that thing.
What? You don't do that type of thing?

You are lucky he is still with your depriving ass so sit down and shut the hell up.

Monday, September 15, 2008

An open letter

Dear Co-Worker,

How are you still alive?

Seriously, you are so fucking stupid it makes ME feel stupid and I am a fucking genius.
I ask you to mail something and you look at it like I just handed you the dead sea scrolls. I give you a post-it with a legibly written address on it and you don't spell it out. Then, FedEx needs a phone number and instead of putting one of the 35 numbers (that is a literal number, not an exaggeration) that we have in this office you come out and ask me for a random number. You go back to your cubicle of insanity and come out and hand it back to me and then take a 10 minute break so I can stew in my own pot of hatred for you. When you come back and I question you we have this little exchange.

me: This needs to be addressed to the "Fellowship Selection Committee" not the "Fellows Selection Committee"
you: maybe it didn't fit *begins to ramble and look for an excuse
me: well, did it not fit?
you: no

Why didn't you just say that to begin with? Why does it feel like you are trying to get me the closest I have ever been to murdering someone? Then I realize that you might really be that stupid which scares me because I live on the same planet as you. Then you come back out here as I am typing this to continue on about how it did not fit. Fine, whatever, I do not care anymore. You make me feel like a boy who gets beat up at school only to come home and find out his puppy is dead.

Friday, September 12, 2008


Guate8 (1:03:25 PM): right guys?

csamal (1:03:41 PM): hes gay

csamal (1:03:44 PM): how bout that?

Guate8 (1:04:13 PM): thanks for stroking the ol' ego

Guate8 (1:04:56 PM): (yeah, thats it, stroke it, stroke it, ssstttrrrrooookkkkkeeee iiitttt *falls asleep with cigarette dangling out of mouth)

csamal (1:05:23 PM): wow

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Guess who pissed me off this week? v.2

*whiny piss ass voice* I only eat vegetables
*even whinier pissier voice* Well I am a vegan
*baritone manly man voice* I eat meat and I don't care
Shut up you stupid ass pirates.
I seriously could not care less over what anyone is eating ever.
News flash people, nobody but you and your little freak show following cares about what you or anyone else eats.
Oh look at the poor defenseless little animal that you slaughtered so you could live. Yeah, lets all just eat tofu and vegetables. Do you know what 7 billion people eating nothing but what is grown in the ground would do to this planet? Are you so delusional that you think vegetables would be able to sustain us?
Oh, look at me I eat meat and brag about it because I am a pompous ass who needs to be "controversial" in a pitiful attempt to seem interesting. Eating meat isn't controversial you deustchbag. Not when old man 'GOP member and so conservative he makes Mormons look like a motorcycle gang' river at the table next to you is gumming down some barely cooked steak.
You people make my brain hurt to the point that the only way to alleviate the pain is to murder hookers and stuff them into my trunk.

Monday, September 1, 2008

*Shoots self in head

Why do people go absolutely bat-shit crazy over The Nightmare Before Christmas?

I mean, I have seen it once and it was OK. I enjoyed the visual aspect of it but people bust nuts over this thing. I just don't get it. You can always tell who is on the brink of orgasm over this movie too. Next time you are in a social situation just say, "You know what I thought was an overrated movie? The Nightmar....." At this point, you should experience what feels like a light breeze brushing against your face. This is actually not the result of being in a drafty room rather the very small fist of a very dainty man who you have just deeply and personally offended.

Seriously though, these people act like they were on the set and gave advice to Henry Selick and were in Tim Burton's studio while he conceived the whole thing. Seriously people, take your hand out of your pants, clean up the mess and stop giving such a damn about something that you in no part helped to create.

Sunday, August 31, 2008



Now the question begs to be asked.

Who cares?

Friday, August 29, 2008


People still write checks. At the grocery store. I want to murder these people. A check!! I just wonder if these people opened their checking account in the 70's and just keep re-ordering checks. Or if they declined the option to have a debit card linked to their account. And what must the reaction have been from the person setting up the account?

Old Ass: I would like to set up an account for which I can write some sort of check which will automatically debit the said amount from my account here at the local branch.

Account Dude: Sure, no problem. You know, here in two thousand and eight we have an option for you to automatically deduct any amount using this convenient plastic card with a "magnetic" strip that fits conveniently in any sort of wallet.

Old Ass: No thank you. I prefer waiting until my total is displayed, finding a pen, folding the clear protector behind my blank check, filling out the total numerically and in word form, writing the date, writing the reason for the check and signing it, folding the check twice at the perforation, slowly tearing the checkbook out, handing it to the shopkeep, turning to my check register, asking the shopkeep what the total was again, writing this total in the running balance, putting my reading glasses in their case, putting away my checkbook into my bag and ignoring the hate filled glances from the shoppers behind me. Thanks anyway though.

Account Dude: (Slits own throat)

Natural Selection At It's Worst

This is an infomercial for a "Lil Reminder" which basically allows old people and idiots to once more evade the ghost of Charles Darwin for at least one more day.

I am not going to even bother arguing why this product is a detriment to society because, well, I just don't feel like it and it's my party and I will cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to.

What I want to focus on here is this.

Are we not living in the good year of our lord Two Thousand and Eight?
Who in the hell doesn't have at the very minimum a debit card?

You can call and receive this awesome product by repeating 16 numbers off of your credit card

OR you can painstakingly write out a check which is actually much much more efficient than the next option and that is saying a lot because writing a check is a mild inconvenience. Listen people I live in the United States of motherfucking America. It is my right to not be inconvenienced in any way.

OR you can get off the couch. Drive to your local bank/grocery store/convenience store. Get out of your car. Walk into said establishment. Wait in line. Ask for a money order. Get out your CASH (because if you pay with a credit card I swear to God I will hunt you down and murder you in front of your grandchildren). Take the money order from the store. Place it in an envelope. Put a stamp on it. Insert it into the mailbox. HOLY SHIT

Anyway, my whole point here is that old people are stupid. When I am getting close to death I want to be sent into the Alaskan ocean like an honorable Eskimo.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Bow Down

We here in St. Boringville welcome and accept with open arms all lifestyles and and opinions. We also realize that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they regularly get fucked by us. Now usually I let all comments go but every once in awhile I see one that I can't let fall through the cracks.
Ok, so by every once in awhile I mean this one time but hey guess what?

fuck you, that's what.

Ok ... to answer your questions:

#1...What straight guy would wear these underwear?

A straight guy that has a girlfriend that finds those kinds of underwear cute and/or sexy and will usually tackle him in the hallway halfway between the livingroom and the bedroom and have her way with him ... a few times... because those boxers are really sexy in a cute kind of way ... and then you both crawl into the kitchen to have coffee before you have to go to work ... uh... sorry, memories... anyway ...

Oh you mean a straight guy that relies on fun and quirky read:gay items of clothing and cologne and hair products, etc. to lure women in instead of using their raw sexual power that all read:most men are born with? Yeah, I have had that tackling passionate hallway sex on numerous occasions and do you think I needed anything besides either a wrapped towel or normal clothes?

#2...Why are underwear models always absolutely ripped?

Well, honestly, do you HAVE to ask this question?? Do you want to see a fat fuck of a pig weighing in at 700 pounds wearing these? I mean, really ... do you want to see Shamu's human counterpart wearing these and strutting his stuff like he's god's gift to Cheesecake?? Think about it... only really sexy thin women are wearing lingerie or on the cover of Victoria's Secret... Do you really want to see some fat heffer on the cover with little angel wings and a thong????

So according to this there are only either absolutely chiseled from rock men or, and I quote(hence the quotation marks) "fat fuck of a pig weighing in at 700 pounds" men in the world? Just like there are only either really sexy thin women read:anorexics or "fat heffer" women?
Did I get that right?

#3...If you are a straight man and you answered yes to #1 go ahead and take those underwear off...

Ok... again ... some women think those underoos are hot... in a weird kind of way and he likes it when I tackle him in the... oh .. sorry ... anyway ... Don't hate on the ripped underwear model... You too can be on the cover of GQ in your underwear if you kept at the apple and one grain of rice diet ... will power my friend... it's all will power...

"some women think those underoos are hot" yeah, if these women were men they would be labeled pedophiles. Let me give you an example.
I love read:raging boner a women in boy shorts but if I ever saw a little boy wearing the same style boy shorts as the women in my life I would do one of two things.
1) run over and kick the kid in the face or
2) run over and do a double kick to the face of the kid and his father.

My point here being that the underwear in question are reasonably close enough to something a 5 year old would wear that if you were to replace the "FIRE" with Spider-Man nobody would see the difference. Not even the image of spider-man. Just put the name "Spider-Man" on the back in the same style lettering and everything.

Wait, did you just seriously picture that?

Well, you like little boys.

Also, don't question my will power, I have typed this entire post without ever once using a disparaging word to insult what I am praying is a woman who wrote this comment.

Thanks for your comment though, it is always appreciated. Shmucking shmitch

P.S. You might want to have your keyboard checked out, there seems to be something wrong with your ................................................................................ key.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


So I am shopping around for underwear...(I usually only wear basketball shorts as underwear)
And I come across this beauty of a picture.
#1...What straight guy would wear these underwear?
#2...Why are underwear models always absolutely ripped?
#3...If you are a straight man and you answered yes to #1 go ahead and take those underwear off...actually, let's just go ahead and call them what they are...so go ahead and take those underoos off and stick your head through one of the leg holes and tie the remaining fabric to the back of a semi.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Same wavelength

This is just a really conversation I had with my co-worker about another co-worker we both loathe....(the last sentences we both posted came almost simultaneously)

(to protect my co-workers identity her name has been changed)

shMorgan: she was talking "to herself" (aka to me but not to me) in the copy room about how she was taking the last ream of paper

me: I just assumed there was a third employee out here that actually gave a damn about her

shMorgan: and then she had to painstakingly determine outloud whether that ream was in fact plain and not hole punched

me: oh dont worry...she dutifully came out and told me about it

shMorgan: i said exactly 4 words the whole time she was in there

"it's on the outside" as she was ripping the paper

me: they dont label that shit on the outside

why would you think such a thing?

shMorgan: no obviously not

how silly of me

and i'll also not assume that you weren't telling me in a backhanded way that my ass should go and get some more mother fucking paper


me: i mean doesnt everything just come in a package that states just enough for you to know the base level of what it is?

like CORN or SHIRT

shMorgan: yes...that's how i like to buy food i like cans that say things like "tomato" and "beans"

but not what sort...the element of surprise gives it a little something extra

and that old-timey war ration feeling

me: look you stupid whore..not everyone lived through the great depression

Monday, August 11, 2008

Olympic harmony my asshole

I had a realization the other day as I watched the Olympics...There is no Olympic truce.

Lets go ahead and remind ourselves who participates in the Olympics.

Why isn't that just the silliest question? Of course it is the best athletes in the world going head to head.

Well you are correct there professor but answer me this...

How are these athletes collectively categorized?

They are categorized by their respective countries right? I mean you really don't know how the Olympics work?

Hey, here's an idea, how about I murder your family you little bitch...
Ok tough guy, anytime you are ready I am right over here...
Oh I am already there, you just don't know it...
Oh, a tough guy huh...look at the tough guy...come on tough guy...I'm right here

(on an unrelated matter does anyone know where I can hire a good attorney to hypothetically represent me in a 1st degree murder case)

So, these Olympians are seperated by country and then these athletes who are representing their countries compete with the other countries.

How exactly does this promote peace and harmony and truce?

How long before the Pollacks beat the Nazis in an event and the Nazis do what they do best?

How long before the Gringos destroy the Japs and the Japs start taking flying lessons minus the landing part again and then the Gringos act before they think of the consequences?

How long before the Americans own the Africans...oh wait.....

So yeah the media can say what they want about the Olympics but I know the truth..I know the truth.

Friday, August 8, 2008


It is the year 2008. The answering machine was invented in 1935. Don't believe me? Check it.

It has been a device that has recorded billions and billions of voices. Billions and billions of messages. I estimate that I have left 3 million voice mails in my life. I have listened to over 4 million. These are not estimates. These are facts.

Having been invented in 1935 there are not many people still alive that have not heard a voice mail or left a voice mail. My grandparents live in Guatemala. They do not own a dryer, a computer or a phone that does not have a spiral cord connecting the base to the phone and this is my grandmother's reaction to an electronic voice telling her to "leave a message after the beep":


CF 2008

Why does the world pander to China? Why were the olympics awarded to Beijing in 2008 given their ridiculously horrid human rights record and unbelievable pollution? I would have to say its because I can think of nothing worse than to wake up to the sound of the second coming and realize that 1 billion Chinese have just decided to invade your measley country.
It's like that really tall fat kid with the sexually abusive dad and drug-addicted, alcoholic mom that would put cigarettes out on his arm. The kid that you wanted to be friends with before they got older and decided that the world was to blame and decided to show the world with a backpack full of automatic weapons and a flak jacket. You know, everyone had one of those kids in their neighborhood.

Thursday, August 7, 2008



Read that shit!!

What the fuck?

There are many conclusions that can be made about this...

Number 1. The terrorists are winning and she shouldn't have left her house.
Number 2. We have a new threat to our homeland security.
Number 3. The Eagle ray didn't like the way she was wearing her hat and thought he could wear it much "flyer"

I however, think that this guy is a cousin to the stingray that viciously murdered Steve Irwin. Not only is he a cousin but he is that cousin in the family that constantly has to hear about what his cousins are doing with their lifes and how great they are and how their mother wishes that they were more like their cousins....Well here you go MOM...I am in college and I am suffering through every second of it...DOES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? DOES IT MAKE YOU HAPPY TO KNOW I AM SUFFERING?....sorry, I got a little carried away...

So, this cousin to the sting ray that brutally murdered and then sodomized Steve Irwin finally gets so sick of hearing about it that he gets a great idea...

This guy decides that he isn't going to be a pussy and wait for a punk ass human to come to him.

No, he is going to....FLY...OUT of the WATER and nail some old broad that was just standing on a boat....

Lets review...A FISH....


and how does he choose to go out?


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Guess who pissed me off this week

Welcome to the whore club you stupid little whore.......

Hey, you know what would be a good idea?
Let's take pictures of me with my shirt up showing my flat stomach.....

Hey, you know what would be an even better idea?
Let's take a picture of me in a shower with a white wife beater esque shirt/skirt on...

Ladies and Gentleman, we have found a formidable contender for Britney's trailer park princess title. I hope this dumb little bitch goes up against the number one contender, Jamie Lynn "my mom probably told me to get pregnant for publicity" Spears one day. That would be the ultimate trailer park trash fight. Just think about it, you have one little whore who actually came from a trailer park going up against another little whore who despises what her father is and stands for and desperately wants to become what he only sings about. I mean really, and where the hell are these girls handlers? Oh what's that? They know that sex sells? They are the ones who "hacked" into her phone or computer or whatever? Seriously, these aren't the number one fans who love them and would die protecting them, but are still going to kill them one day working for them. These are grown ass people who probably resent the fact that they have to wipe these kids asses for a living. Why wouldn't they sell racy pictures to the paparazzi for thousands of dollars?

So congratulations you stupid Disney whore. I hope you end up getting nailed by a biker who plays Mickey behind the enchanted castle.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Down the Gullet


If you didn't read that story above let me summarize for you.

I guess when you turn 21 it is a "ritual" of downing 21 shots of alcohol.

Let me give you a little background on me at this point so you know where I am coming from

My biological father is the town drunk and still lives with his mother in a town in Guatemala.
All my uncles and 1st cousins are alcoholics.
I have been drinking LARGE amounts of alcohol since I was 14.
I am 6'2 weigh 235 lbs and I truly believe I am invincible.

All this being said, how fucking retarded do you have to be to think you can take 21 shots...SHOTS...not drinks where you slowly introduce alcohol into your body. These are slam them home, down the gullet shots of pure alcohol and I imagine these aren't buttery nipples or jolly rancher shots.

I can maybe do 21 drinks on a great night but I would never try to do 21 shots on purpose. And I imagine a veteran like myself could probably only do 7 shots max before I puked or called it a night in the back seat of my car.

I mean seriously the kid in the story died from this and I hope the person who bought him the last shot has killed himself at this point. This is why I don't go out drinking hardcore with anyone who I don't trust with my life. News flash stupid kids, you can't use the old "he said he was fine" excuse for shit like this. People are irrational when they are drunk, people don't know if they are fine or not. Oh and by the by these kids aren't losers who work at Best Buy and live with there Grandparents. These are college students...COLLEGE...you know that place where you pay ass loads of money for the chance to learn. Notice I said chance there because it is an option and most people (read the kids in this story) don't make the right choice and just cruise through.

Stupid white college students.


Ok, so it's been a while since I last posted so I know the one of you who probably ended up on this page on accident is wondering what happened with my crash diet deal.

Well, after a work week of being light headed and delusional (more delusional than I already am) I decided to call it off.

It was fun but I think the next time I do it I won't tell anyone, I will just do it.

Oh and right before I ate again I went out drinking and STILL out drank everyone I went out with. Either I can naturally consume large amounts of alcohol or my friends are pussies.

I vote for pussies.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Bat Shit Crazy

Some thoughts from day 2 and 3......
I knew when I started this that I was going to miss food. I love food.
However, I didn't realize how sneaky and tricky my mind is. I have been trying to keep myself separated so the side of me that started this experiment and the side of me that is actually starving are two different entities.

Well, little did I know that I am a sneaky bastard, the Starvin' Marvin Carlos keeps trying to trick the Mad Scientist Carlos into eating.
It will try to say,
"hey boss, it wouldn't be so bad if I ate a piece of chicken every now and then right?"
To which the mad scientist says
"well, I guess it wouldn't be too bad" Well all this is of course being played out in my head and next thing you know I have visions of me at the table in "Hook" when they imagine all the food. Except not only am I eating all the food but I have slit the lost boys throat and Tinkerbell is blowing me under the table as I make Peter Pan's mom and her friends have an orgy in front of me.
Yeah so not only do I have to deal with the physiological effects but now I am starting to have to punch my own self in the face for trying to trick myself into eating.

Also, I have added another reason as to why I am doing this.
Christian Bale prior to The Machinist went on a similar diet and went from 180 lbs to 120 lbs.
Christian Bale then became the most awesome Batman ever.
I am on a similar diet (see below) for no other reason than to see what happens.
I will then inevitably become a super hero equal to or greater than Batman. Also, I looked up just how many calories I have been eating the last few days and I came up with the grand total of just about 250.
I might have to rethink this, or I might just keep on like this.....who knows?

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Stupid Idea

Today I decided to go on a crash diet.

I weigh about 250 lbs but weight loss is not the primary goal for me.

Mostly I want to see if I can do it and how long I can eat just a half a cup of rice and an apple every day.

The other reason is because I am completely out of my mind and I want to experience first hand the psychological effects of starvation.
I have now gone about 18 hours without food and I am already starting to feel different. I have thought about quitting at least 4 times and I have tried rationalizing why I should eat something more than the rice and an apple a day.
If you have ever closed out a bar and walked outside into the daylight after hours of drinking you know how I feel right now. Everything is distorted and not in the right contrast.
My mind as it seems is protesting this choice I made. I wonder why?
My friends have accepted what I am doing although they all have their doubts as do I.
Now, on to the funny shit. I was talking to my brother today and we put over/under lines on the things that would happen to me as I tried this experiment.

trip to the emergency room------30 days

death----------------------------2 months

my mom yelling
at me for doing this--------------next time I call her

bowel movements ceasing-------7 days

BM resembling rabbit poop------4 days

me standing on top of the
stratosphere in a gorilla suit
furiously masturbating-----------N/A (Vegas doesn't put odds on certainties)

Monday, April 7, 2008


So, a U.K. jury decided that Diana was "unlawfully killed" when her car hit a pillar in Paris over 10 FUCKING YEARS AGO.

After six months of hearings and testimony by more than 250 witnesses, a jury at a British inquest found Monday that Princess Diana and her lover, Dodi al
Fayed, were unlawfully killed by the negligent driving of their chauffeur and photographers who pursued the couple's speeding Mercedes into a Paris underpass over 10 years ago. (Via International Herald Tribune)

I remember that fateful night when I found out about Diana's death and exactly where I was and what I was doing. Oh wait, no I don't because I have better things to do than to worry about some lady that would have become a queen in an entirely pointless and toothless monarchy. Now if she would have been in line to start beheading assholes who crossed her then it would have been a tragedy.

Glad to see that 6 million dollars were spent on this trial too. Good to see that even in the U.K. they have their priorities straight.

When reached for comment Diana said: "..."


Why must people insist on typing things in ALL CAPS?? Typing, I know, is a fairly new development in the history of humanity. For those of us that have had computers or typewriters our whole lives (and at this point those who have not are like 100 years old and not on the interwebs anyway to read this post (hell, no one is on the interwebs to read this post so lick balls)) it is pretty much understood that capital letters equals yelling. So why would you yell an entire email?

I mean, I can move my left pinky finger approximately .4667 inches and press the caps lock button. Those of you that peck at the keyboard need to move your entire hand approximately 3 inches.


I think Jeffrey Dahmer typed his emails in all caps and that dude was a dick...or liked to eat dicks...or something...

Monday, March 31, 2008




Ok, so one of my favorite SNL skits of all time was the "Really?" segment of Weekend Update. So in honor (and blatant plagiarism) of this skit I am going to play the "Really?" game about the above article. (which if you haven't read yet will make this blog so much funnier)

Really? Now he is going to snap Kim...really?
Now that the cash flow has stopped? Really?
Really Kim? Before when he lost his temper it was no big deal huh?
Really? This guy went from great guy with whom you could have 4 kids with to raging lunatic overnight...really?
Oh wait, he has done this in the past? Really? Now you decide the kids are in danger? Really? Not before when that money was rolling in huh?
Really? Really? before it wasn't an issue? Really?

Wow, way to stand next to your man Kimmy....for that you get the (not-pagiarised) "Money greedy bitch who had no problem taking a beating everyonce in awhile as long as she was Gucci'd up" award.
Or better yet here is an even more prestigious award. The....."Money Greedy Bitch of a Whore Mother who didn't mind letting her kids get abused as long as she was Gucci'd up and now that her husband won't be able to provide said Gucci wants to use her children to sustain her lifestyle" Here is some advice for you...get a job you spoiled bitch, sell that Mercedes and let the real victims of spousal abuse use the resources and energy of that high priced attorney you no doubt hired.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Cool Runnings and Dead Presidents

Guate (9:01:46 AM): man I hate Janet
csam (9:01:58 AM): we could send her to the Congo?
Guate (9:02:18 AM): she is talking to me about some stupid transformer that blew on the strip last night
Guate (9:02:53 AM): so you know "no elevators, no lights in the rooms (gremlin giggle)"
Guate (9:03:18 AM): and she is walking back to her cage and says, "so the generators kicked on" Guate (9:03:35 AM): so basically things stopped for about 3 seconds
Guate (9:03:51 AM): and she felt the need to walk all the way out here to tell me
Guate (9:04:46 AM): did you hear how Halle Berry ruined her childs life?

csam (9:15:02 AM): that was a great story

csam (9:15:14 AM): by making it the hottest woman in 20 years?
Guate (9:15:14 AM): lol
csam (9:15:49 AM): gremlin giggle, walking back to her cage, i mean it was classic
Guate (9:16:55 AM): Nahla Ariela Aubry
Guate (9:17:19 AM): and its not pronounced the way it looks
Guate (9:17:32 AM): yeah gremlin giggle is all morgan
Guate (9:18:40 AM): and when she is in her cage we call her the retarded bobsledder
csam (9:18:59 AM): lol...thats fantastic
csam (9:19:09 AM): the retarted bobsledder...thats great
Guate (9:19:12 AM): yeah
Guate (9:20:08 AM): for some reason, well no, not for some reason. She is too lazy to sit up straight so she looks like she is leaning into the sled and when she hears a sound she only rotates her head
csam (9:20:58 AM): you should buy her one of those cyclist helmets
Guate (9:21:05 AM): the long ones?
csam (9:21:10 AM): yeah
csam (9:21:14 AM): the tear drop ones
Guate (9:21:24 AM): oh yes
csam (9:21:53 AM): i would send you a link of a picture but my computer is scanning for viruses so i dont need to add to the ongoing virus collection i have going
Guate (9:22:15 AM): So I have another story to tell you
Guate (9:22:27 AM): which may or may not bring back memories
csam (9:22:32 AM): alright
Guate (9:22:49 AM): So last year i had Morgan fill out a bracket for the tourney
Guate (9:22:57 AM): and this year we did it again
Guate (9:23:07 AM): (that's what she said)
Guate (9:24:07 AM): and while we are filling out said brackets the girl comes down from upstairs asking if anyone wanted to participate in the bracket challenge
Guate (9:24:22 AM): so of course I'm like yes and leave one for morgan too
csam (9:24:33 AM): alright
Guate (9:24:43 AM): Well the bracket entry fee is two dollars
csam (9:25:18 AM): thats gambling and not necessarily "legal" in a "law school" but i remember i went in every year it was held so ok...im with you
Guate (9:25:30 AM): and for the past two days we have been trying to figure out how we are going to get two dollars without taking 20 out of the machine
csam (9:25:39 AM): ok
csam (9:25:46 AM): two days? really?
csam (9:25:46 AM): ok
Guate (9:26:05 AM): i mean really 2 dollars?
Guate (9:26:19 AM): like Morgan says, cash is for old people
Guate (9:26:25 AM): (( ))
csam (9:26:54 AM): akon likes to say that "cash rules everything around me"...he invented that by the by
Guate (9:27:04 AM): so yesterday we arrived at what I thought was the penultimate ridiculous idea
Guate (9:27:15 AM): i hate that by the way
Guate (9:27:40 AM): we took all the quarters, dimes and nickles out of my drawer and counted them out
Guate (9:27:56 AM): well Morgan did, I just shook my head and stared in amazement
csam (9:28:18 AM): so if it was the penultimate ridiculous idea there means there is an ultimate ridiculous idea forthcoming?
Guate (9:28:28 AM): because if cash is for old people paying in coins is for people who wrote the Declaration of Independence
csam (9:29:06 AM): you should get a coin purse and meticulously count out every cent to pay for it
Guate (9:29:18 AM): so Capitana Ridiculous comes in today with what.....
Guate (9:29:22 AM): a clean
Guate (9:29:23 AM): crisp
Guate (9:29:30 AM): two dollar bill

csam (9:29:36 AM): that
csam (9:29:37 AM): is
csam (9:29:39 AM): amazing.
Guate (9:30:03 AM): which immediately brought back memories of...?
csam (9:30:26 AM): the stack of two dollar bills our parents "hid" in the top drawer of the dresser in their room
Guate (9:30:53 AM): booyah
csam (9:31:14 AM): i was gonna ask if morgan stole it from her moms dresser drawer

Monday, March 10, 2008

Golden Showers

I hate


MEN who pee on their girlfriends, wives, cuddle bunnies, friends who they want to be their girlfriends, etc, etc blah blah blah. When I say pee on I don't mean literally peeing on them although that isn't a favorite of mine either. I mean the men who feel the need to either affirm or reaffirm the nature of their relationship with the women they are with. So on to the pee parade, everyone has seen this person in action or has been around when this happens. Although I am not a fan of PDA I can generally tell the difference between the two. For example, guys, next time you are walking in a store or a mall or a casino and you see a guy and a girl walking together do the following. Walk behind them for a while and count how many times he initiates contact, a love tap, a hand grab, an arm around the shoulder. Then after a few minutes of that walk up and walk as close to the girl as social boundaries permit. Close enough to be considered close but not close enough to be considered a creepy McCreeperson. So when you walk next to them/her see how much he touches her or grabs her and in some cases leads her away from you. This is what peeing looks like. So now that you know what it looks like you can look for it among your group of friends. Some of you probably have a friend or two who are like this. More than likely you will see the following red flags to let you know you have a pee pee enthusiast. Say you are going somewhere you know you will be sitting for an extended amount and where music or loud noises will be present. At this location you know you will want to talk with the entire group.

But what do these people do?

They position themselves between the entire group and their girl. That way if someone wants to say something to her they either have to lean uncomfortably over the lap of ANOTHER DUDE or they have to yell over everybody and everything making noise. Another popular activity is if the girl manages to break away from the holds of the guy and actually starts having a good time with someone else, especially another guy he will immediately come into the conversation and either awkwardly join in or if he is brazen enough he will literally grab her and push her away in a "joking" manner.

Now on to the most blatant and brazen action I have ever heard of when it comes to golden showers.

At their most threatened state these guys will either touch or kiss or say something to their girl and immediately turn to stare you down. This is such a bizarre thing to do if you think about it. Why else would someone make physical contact and then look at someone else? How does this make sense? Well my friend if you have ever watched the discovery channel you will recognize this as a form of attempting to assert possession. Kind of like when lions sit as close to the slain antelope as possible and stare down the vultures and hyenas. They are not even partaking of the food but they still feel the need to assert their possession. Lions do this for survival, pee'ers do this because they are intimidated by the presence of other guys and are so insecure of their manhood they think that the woman who chose to start dating them or marry them or whatever is going to walk away with the next best thing. And in reality they don't realize that women are like STD's, once they are a part of you it is damn near impossible to get rid of them no matter how big of an effeminate, self-conscious, scared person you are.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Dark Knight

Guate (2:56:47 PM): I am looking forward to this Batman movie
csam (2:57:13 PM): yeah me too
csam (2:57:54 PM): is it sad/funny/strange/sick as shit that im more excited about it since ledger died?
Guate (2:57:56 PM): i heard the Joker is grimy son
Guate (2:58:12 PM): if it is I am in the boat with you
Guate (2:59:04 PM): like I said I want to see the character that was so sociopathic it killed a man
csam (2:59:37 PM): yeah, i heard the same thing about joker in this one
Guate (3:00:58 PM): yeah
Guate (3:01:34 PM): Ledger had told his family that the nature of The Joker really freaked him out and that is what got him on sleeping pills
csam (3:02:29 PM): yeah, im definitely seeing that in a theater son
Guate (3:02:46 PM): uhhh number one, it's a make believe character dude. Number two, how great did he have to play him to begin associating himself with the personality of said make believe character?
csam (3:03:45 PM): thats the greatness of it...instead of doing joker as some caricature he was like...this is one fucked up dude right here...(opens door) well, see you in a few months...
Guate (3:04:13 PM): yeah
Guate (3:04:15 PM): lol
Guate (3:04:46 PM): did you hear the drunkard was bitching that they didnt ask him to reprise the role of The Joker?
csam (3:05:14 PM): yeah, like this grimy batman needed that joker (see what i did there?)
Guate (3:08:33 PM): lol
Guate (3:08:43 PM): i hoope they keep making movies
Guate (3:08:48 PM): like this
Guate (3:09:23 PM): can you imagine catwoaanm (catwoman, I got a little excited there)
csam (3:10:07 PM): i see that...hard to type around a small, VERY SMALL boner i see
Guate (3:10:13 PM): lol
Guate (3:10:16 PM): work dude
Guate (3:10:52 PM): but seriously, can you imagine a catwoman in these movies? They would have to be NC-17
csam (3:11:32 PM): or have a picture of you at every movie theater with a circle and a slash through it

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Black (sorta)+White=Black?

Alright, so I find myself on IMDB.com this morning checking all the movies I will be ignoring for the next year or so and I stumble across a movie called "Day of the Dead". Well, you had me at "Dead" so, as a dog that sniffs his own shit, I decided to investigate. The trailer is above (Update: The trailer is no longer above...I have replaced it with a picture of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.). I'll wait (Update: I'll still wait.). So here is my question--the writer's name is Jeffrey Reddick and he is pictured meah--

The director's name is Steve Miner and he is pictured meah--

So the writer, who is black, sits down and he says...hmm, I have a black main character in my movie for the first time so what should he say? "think ima like it heah", "see a black man with a sharp stick it posed to be a spear", "why white people always wanna split up", along with "dats whack", "daaaaamn" and "whatchu talkin bout whitey?". I mean, here is a successful black writer and stereotypical phrases is the best he can come up with for his black main character? How does a black writer write a script to be directed by a white guy that includes the above phrases? I've decided to write a show where hispanic characters eat beans and rice, dance the macarena and say things like "ole" and "death to whitey". I think it'll be a hit.