Sunday, August 31, 2008



Now the question begs to be asked.

Who cares?

Friday, August 29, 2008


People still write checks. At the grocery store. I want to murder these people. A check!! I just wonder if these people opened their checking account in the 70's and just keep re-ordering checks. Or if they declined the option to have a debit card linked to their account. And what must the reaction have been from the person setting up the account?

Old Ass: I would like to set up an account for which I can write some sort of check which will automatically debit the said amount from my account here at the local branch.

Account Dude: Sure, no problem. You know, here in two thousand and eight we have an option for you to automatically deduct any amount using this convenient plastic card with a "magnetic" strip that fits conveniently in any sort of wallet.

Old Ass: No thank you. I prefer waiting until my total is displayed, finding a pen, folding the clear protector behind my blank check, filling out the total numerically and in word form, writing the date, writing the reason for the check and signing it, folding the check twice at the perforation, slowly tearing the checkbook out, handing it to the shopkeep, turning to my check register, asking the shopkeep what the total was again, writing this total in the running balance, putting my reading glasses in their case, putting away my checkbook into my bag and ignoring the hate filled glances from the shoppers behind me. Thanks anyway though.

Account Dude: (Slits own throat)

Natural Selection At It's Worst

This is an infomercial for a "Lil Reminder" which basically allows old people and idiots to once more evade the ghost of Charles Darwin for at least one more day.

I am not going to even bother arguing why this product is a detriment to society because, well, I just don't feel like it and it's my party and I will cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to.

What I want to focus on here is this.

Are we not living in the good year of our lord Two Thousand and Eight?
Who in the hell doesn't have at the very minimum a debit card?

You can call and receive this awesome product by repeating 16 numbers off of your credit card

OR you can painstakingly write out a check which is actually much much more efficient than the next option and that is saying a lot because writing a check is a mild inconvenience. Listen people I live in the United States of motherfucking America. It is my right to not be inconvenienced in any way.

OR you can get off the couch. Drive to your local bank/grocery store/convenience store. Get out of your car. Walk into said establishment. Wait in line. Ask for a money order. Get out your CASH (because if you pay with a credit card I swear to God I will hunt you down and murder you in front of your grandchildren). Take the money order from the store. Place it in an envelope. Put a stamp on it. Insert it into the mailbox. HOLY SHIT

Anyway, my whole point here is that old people are stupid. When I am getting close to death I want to be sent into the Alaskan ocean like an honorable Eskimo.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Bow Down

We here in St. Boringville welcome and accept with open arms all lifestyles and and opinions. We also realize that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they regularly get fucked by us. Now usually I let all comments go but every once in awhile I see one that I can't let fall through the cracks.
Ok, so by every once in awhile I mean this one time but hey guess what?

fuck you, that's what.

Ok ... to answer your questions:

#1...What straight guy would wear these underwear?

A straight guy that has a girlfriend that finds those kinds of underwear cute and/or sexy and will usually tackle him in the hallway halfway between the livingroom and the bedroom and have her way with him ... a few times... because those boxers are really sexy in a cute kind of way ... and then you both crawl into the kitchen to have coffee before you have to go to work ... uh... sorry, memories... anyway ...

Oh you mean a straight guy that relies on fun and quirky read:gay items of clothing and cologne and hair products, etc. to lure women in instead of using their raw sexual power that all read:most men are born with? Yeah, I have had that tackling passionate hallway sex on numerous occasions and do you think I needed anything besides either a wrapped towel or normal clothes?

#2...Why are underwear models always absolutely ripped?

Well, honestly, do you HAVE to ask this question?? Do you want to see a fat fuck of a pig weighing in at 700 pounds wearing these? I mean, really ... do you want to see Shamu's human counterpart wearing these and strutting his stuff like he's god's gift to Cheesecake?? Think about it... only really sexy thin women are wearing lingerie or on the cover of Victoria's Secret... Do you really want to see some fat heffer on the cover with little angel wings and a thong????

So according to this there are only either absolutely chiseled from rock men or, and I quote(hence the quotation marks) "fat fuck of a pig weighing in at 700 pounds" men in the world? Just like there are only either really sexy thin women read:anorexics or "fat heffer" women?
Did I get that right?

#3...If you are a straight man and you answered yes to #1 go ahead and take those underwear off...

Ok... again ... some women think those underoos are hot... in a weird kind of way and he likes it when I tackle him in the... oh .. sorry ... anyway ... Don't hate on the ripped underwear model... You too can be on the cover of GQ in your underwear if you kept at the apple and one grain of rice diet ... will power my friend... it's all will power...

"some women think those underoos are hot" yeah, if these women were men they would be labeled pedophiles. Let me give you an example.
I love read:raging boner a women in boy shorts but if I ever saw a little boy wearing the same style boy shorts as the women in my life I would do one of two things.
1) run over and kick the kid in the face or
2) run over and do a double kick to the face of the kid and his father.

My point here being that the underwear in question are reasonably close enough to something a 5 year old would wear that if you were to replace the "FIRE" with Spider-Man nobody would see the difference. Not even the image of spider-man. Just put the name "Spider-Man" on the back in the same style lettering and everything.

Wait, did you just seriously picture that?

Well, you like little boys.

Also, don't question my will power, I have typed this entire post without ever once using a disparaging word to insult what I am praying is a woman who wrote this comment.

Thanks for your comment though, it is always appreciated. Shmucking shmitch

P.S. You might want to have your keyboard checked out, there seems to be something wrong with your ................................................................................ key.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


So I am shopping around for underwear...(I usually only wear basketball shorts as underwear)
And I come across this beauty of a picture.
#1...What straight guy would wear these underwear?
#2...Why are underwear models always absolutely ripped?
#3...If you are a straight man and you answered yes to #1 go ahead and take those underwear off...actually, let's just go ahead and call them what they go ahead and take those underoos off and stick your head through one of the leg holes and tie the remaining fabric to the back of a semi.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Same wavelength

This is just a really conversation I had with my co-worker about another co-worker we both loathe....(the last sentences we both posted came almost simultaneously)

(to protect my co-workers identity her name has been changed)

shMorgan: she was talking "to herself" (aka to me but not to me) in the copy room about how she was taking the last ream of paper

me: I just assumed there was a third employee out here that actually gave a damn about her

shMorgan: and then she had to painstakingly determine outloud whether that ream was in fact plain and not hole punched

me: oh dont worry...she dutifully came out and told me about it

shMorgan: i said exactly 4 words the whole time she was in there

"it's on the outside" as she was ripping the paper

me: they dont label that shit on the outside

why would you think such a thing?

shMorgan: no obviously not

how silly of me

and i'll also not assume that you weren't telling me in a backhanded way that my ass should go and get some more mother fucking paper


me: i mean doesnt everything just come in a package that states just enough for you to know the base level of what it is?

like CORN or SHIRT

shMorgan: yes...that's how i like to buy food i like cans that say things like "tomato" and "beans"

but not what sort...the element of surprise gives it a little something extra

and that old-timey war ration feeling

me: look you stupid whore..not everyone lived through the great depression

Monday, August 11, 2008

Olympic harmony my asshole

I had a realization the other day as I watched the Olympics...There is no Olympic truce.

Lets go ahead and remind ourselves who participates in the Olympics.

Why isn't that just the silliest question? Of course it is the best athletes in the world going head to head.

Well you are correct there professor but answer me this...

How are these athletes collectively categorized?

They are categorized by their respective countries right? I mean you really don't know how the Olympics work?

Hey, here's an idea, how about I murder your family you little bitch...
Ok tough guy, anytime you are ready I am right over here...
Oh I am already there, you just don't know it...
Oh, a tough guy huh...look at the tough guy...come on tough guy...I'm right here

(on an unrelated matter does anyone know where I can hire a good attorney to hypothetically represent me in a 1st degree murder case)

So, these Olympians are seperated by country and then these athletes who are representing their countries compete with the other countries.

How exactly does this promote peace and harmony and truce?

How long before the Pollacks beat the Nazis in an event and the Nazis do what they do best?

How long before the Gringos destroy the Japs and the Japs start taking flying lessons minus the landing part again and then the Gringos act before they think of the consequences?

How long before the Americans own the Africans...oh wait.....

So yeah the media can say what they want about the Olympics but I know the truth..I know the truth.

Friday, August 8, 2008


It is the year 2008. The answering machine was invented in 1935. Don't believe me? Check it.

It has been a device that has recorded billions and billions of voices. Billions and billions of messages. I estimate that I have left 3 million voice mails in my life. I have listened to over 4 million. These are not estimates. These are facts.

Having been invented in 1935 there are not many people still alive that have not heard a voice mail or left a voice mail. My grandparents live in Guatemala. They do not own a dryer, a computer or a phone that does not have a spiral cord connecting the base to the phone and this is my grandmother's reaction to an electronic voice telling her to "leave a message after the beep":


CF 2008

Why does the world pander to China? Why were the olympics awarded to Beijing in 2008 given their ridiculously horrid human rights record and unbelievable pollution? I would have to say its because I can think of nothing worse than to wake up to the sound of the second coming and realize that 1 billion Chinese have just decided to invade your measley country.
It's like that really tall fat kid with the sexually abusive dad and drug-addicted, alcoholic mom that would put cigarettes out on his arm. The kid that you wanted to be friends with before they got older and decided that the world was to blame and decided to show the world with a backpack full of automatic weapons and a flak jacket. You know, everyone had one of those kids in their neighborhood.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

HOLY FUCK,2933,340412,00.html

Read that shit!!

What the fuck?

There are many conclusions that can be made about this...

Number 1. The terrorists are winning and she shouldn't have left her house.
Number 2. We have a new threat to our homeland security.
Number 3. The Eagle ray didn't like the way she was wearing her hat and thought he could wear it much "flyer"

I however, think that this guy is a cousin to the stingray that viciously murdered Steve Irwin. Not only is he a cousin but he is that cousin in the family that constantly has to hear about what his cousins are doing with their lifes and how great they are and how their mother wishes that they were more like their cousins....Well here you go MOM...I am in college and I am suffering through every second of it...DOES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? DOES IT MAKE YOU HAPPY TO KNOW I AM SUFFERING?....sorry, I got a little carried away...

So, this cousin to the sting ray that brutally murdered and then sodomized Steve Irwin finally gets so sick of hearing about it that he gets a great idea...

This guy decides that he isn't going to be a pussy and wait for a punk ass human to come to him.

No, he is going to....FLY...OUT of the WATER and nail some old broad that was just standing on a boat....

Lets review...A FISH....


and how does he choose to go out?