Tuesday, November 13, 2007


The city of Las Vegas has a unique view of history and historical landmarks.

It goes something like--"Landmarks suck fat balls."

With this in mind you can understand that I was not surpised to be awakened at 4 in the morning by the sound of the second coming of Jesus a.k.a shit blowin up.

For some reason when an old hotel gets demolished around here they do it in the middle of the night. They claim it's to avoid onlookers and large crowds. Well Vegas, explain this to me, why then do you set fireworks off and pyrotechnics at 4 IN THE MORNING? If you don't want a crowd or gridlock, why have a new years eve on a tuesday morning?

So it's better to disturb tens of thousands of people who are asleep and set of thousands of car alarms across the valley than it is to have a crowd of maybe a few hundred that would skip out of work just to see shit blow up (thats why I suscribe to the "See shit blow up" channel on YouTube) and the "gridlock" on the strip for a couple of hours in the middle of the day?

Get your act together...

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


I would like to build a wall around me too...I mean a literal, brick-and-mortar wall which would travel with me wherever i went.

In order to speak to me you would have to lightly rap on the door to get my attention.

Inside my wall would be a comfortable chair, a television and mini fridge...this would be especially useful at work because I could connect my computer to my television and use a wireless keyboard and mouse. The greatest part would be pretending I'm not inside the wall when someone I don't want to talk to comes and knocks on my door.

Obviously I would be inside the wall, It's my traveling wall after all, but I would not answer the door. Another major, major advantage is that if I was ever upset with something that happened while I was outside of the wall I could storm off and slam the door...that would be great...and furthermore, I would never leave my brick cubicle so anyone that is knocking on the door and getting no response would be doing so with the full knowledge that I am ignoring them and really, isn't shaming other humans half the fun of being human?

Monday, July 30, 2007

The Wall

Why do Americans want to build a wall? Furthermore why do Americans not tell the truth about the reasoning behind the wall? They say that they are doing it for security and so terrorists can't come into our country.

Hey, let me let you in on a little secret.....terrorists are from the desert. Why would they choose to walk through another desert and cross dangerous ground to get into this country? Why wouldn't they simply fly there happy little asses over to Canada and drive across the border?

Hell they could probably drive through yelling Jihad and have a sign saying Death to Tyrants on their car. Border security in Canada is so relaxed that their police force is known around the world as being pussies who ride horses and say "hey" after everything. So lets look at the options facing a terrorist....walk across a heavily watched and guarded desert where the racist border patrol is or drive across the border where the border barely exists.

Now lets get back to this wall. The geniuses want to build this wall. The only flaw in their plan is that this wall won't go across the entire border.

This is where I smack my head.

What is the point of this? Do you think Spanish people are so stupid that 1) they won't find out that the wall doesn't cover the whole border and 2) they won't walk to the end of the wall and come in that way? Seriously, these are the same people that will pick fruits and vegetables in the hot ass sun for pennies. Do you really think a wall is going to keep them out?

I think what we should do as a country is reform the immigration process that from my understanding is so screwed up you can't even blame Bush for that one. No amnesty, no refuge, none of that bullshit. Reform the hell out of that policy and reward those willing to wait a few years by reducing the wait.

Right now I believe it takes 10 years to get your citizenship. 10 years!! What would you do if you had to wait 10 years to get a better life?

The "American" way says to go out there and get that life by any means necessary yet we criticize and persecute the immigrants that do the same thing.

Friday, July 20, 2007


I am in love with the idea of building a huge ass fence across 8 million miles of rough terrain just to keep people out of a country. I can't think of a better use of our time and resources.

So, a mexican is running toward the U.S. and as he's getting closer to the border and as he runs closer and closer to it, up comes this giant fence, seemingly out of the horizon itself and all hope fades from his face as he realizes that he has been defeated. The mighty fence has won again. And as he heads home, hands in his pockets, head down, all the while kicking rocks we will declare victory.

Then when the mighty fence has repelled them all we will build fences around our cities and Sacramento, CA will declare war against Atlanta, GA and they will send their cavalry. And when Atlanta realizes it is under attack it will draw up the drawbridge, set archers on top of their mighty wall and await the battle.

Then a magical dragon carrying huge boulders will fly in from the mighty mountains of Colorado and drop them on the Atlantians and the Sacramentoins will break down the door with a large tree that has been cut down and used as a battering ram and Sacramento will claim Atlanta as their own...and then magical fairies from la-la land will cast a spell on everyone so they sleep until the wicked stepsisters take cinderella to the magical island of misfit toys where they will eat poison apples and live happily ever after...yeah, thats it...

Friday, July 6, 2007

Si se Puede

So I was reading an article on the immigrant "problem" in the United States and I got to thinking. The un-official slogan for the immigrant movement is "Si se Puede" The only problem with this is that it is a Spanish slogan. I do not agree that the English language should be made the official language of the United States however, I do know and accept the fact that this is the most familiar and recognized language. So knowing this why would protesters scream and shout in Spanish or rather only in Spanish?

I am Guatemalan (and not one of those band wagoners who have roots in other countries and claim that country....Irish and Stephanie I am looking directly at you) I was born in another country and immigrated here. When I got here with my brother we both only spoke Spanish.

My mom instead of allowing us to continue speaking Spanish forced us to learn English. I know it is harder to get older people to learn English but if you can cross a river and a desert the very least you can do is try and learn, and I am not even saying this because I don't like people who only speak Spanish. I am saying this because if all these immigrants were to learn English they would be able to survive better.

So maybe instead of the slogan "Si se puede" it should be "teach us English, teach us English."

Friday, June 1, 2007


What do you do if you have Herpes? What should your reaction be?

If I ever contracted herpes I would make William Wallace look like Mahatma Ghandi.

How do you broach that subject with a future "partner"? In all the syphilis, chlamydia and herpes commercials on TV they always look so happy that they haven't had an outbreak in 5 days. They're so happy that they have it "under control". YOU HAVE HERPES!!!!

Sometimes I wonder if someone who actually has herpes watches that, scratches their crotch, and thinks..."hey, I can be that happy 5 days from now..."

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Jail and STD's

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are whores.

Can you imagine what Paris will be like in jail?

Chances are she won't be saying "that's hot" while a butch lesbo named cutter, for her ability to make shanks out of nothing, is holding her in her bulging sweaty arms. I am glad she is going to jail. I wish I could say that she is going to be a big ugly whore who wont eat or touch anything because she is so used to everything being brand name. I wish I could say that but the ladies (and I use that term loosely like Lohans nether regions) in jail are going to love her.

You know they are.

She will act all cute and naive and she will have a fantastic time in jail because that is how God repays hard work and diligence. I hate the Paris Hilton's of this world.

Now let me turn my attention to the petri dish of STD's that is Lindsay Lohan. You know she does, you know she has.....Don't tell me that you look at her and say "gee, I bet she has never had the clap or syphilis. I bet she doesn't have Herpes coursing through her veins right now." If you can say that to me I will gladly punch you in the face until you realize the error of your ways. How many guys has she been with now? I lost count after the gay dude from That 70's Show who apparently has the magic stick got done defiling her.

I used to think that both of them were attractive but looks will only take you so far when you have been with millions of men and you are in and out of rehab.

I am all worked up now, THANKS you whores.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


So I began to ponder the subject of the last blog and began to wonder about my children. What kind of world will they grow up in?

I often wonder if my parents were how I am now at one point in their lives. I wonder if they envisioned a world for me in the same way I envision a world for MY children. I wonder why the world seems more dangerous and evil now than it did when I was a child.

I think in order to answer this question one must delve deep into the inner recesses of the consciousness of what is known as "society" or blame Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

I vote for the latter.



There are alot of things wrong in the world today. It seems that the world was a much better place when I was a kid growing up. Or is it that I was only ever doing fun things and never really worried about what was going on around me?

You decide but this is what I remember........I remember when gas prices were below $1.50. I remember when cars didn't have airbags....I remember when airbags started to come out they were only on the high end cars.....I remember when walking to school was safe.....I remember when neighbors were in your business and that's the way you liked it....I remember when neighbors were into bad shit but they still watched out for the kids.....

I remember when you could walk through the woods and not worry about being molested or kidnapped, except for four tunnels. I remember when four tunnels was the spot to be if you were brave enough. I remember when places like four tunnels always had somebody there.....

I remember the day I played Mario Bros on Nintendo....I remember when you couldn't play Nintendo all day and night because eventually you would get a headache....I remember that if you could play it all day and night you better not turn it off or you might get the blue screen.....I remember when you would have to jam a piece of wood in to get the game to work.....I remember it being damn worth it......

I remember when I was a remote control......I remember when a wrench was essential to watching TV.....I remember when the two best shows on TV were about a white family and a black family.....I remember when The Simpsons were shorts on the Tracy Ullman show.....I remember when I heard Bart Simpson say "Don't have a Cow Man" and "Eat my Shorts" for the first time....I remember trying to spell "D'oh" for the first time......

I remember when not paying attention in school got you ass whoopings, not a diagnosis and drugs.....I remember when an ass whooping was just that, no cupped hand through the pants bullshit......I remember thinking that I would never do that to my children, now I feel that through those whoopings I earned the right to do it to my kids....

I remember the first time I was allowed to go to the movies without my parent....I remember standing in line to use the pay phone after the movie and not because we couldn't afford a cell phone.

These are just a few things that I remember about the world past. Now it seems that everything is replaced a few years after it is released.

I hope one day my kids will have fond memories of there childhood but I can guarantee that they will not experience any of what I have written.

Friday, May 25, 2007


Everything is dead because of money. Everyone wants to declare everything is dead so that when THEY resurrect it or find its replacement they can get credited (and paid) for the great act of bringing back that which was dead.

Who the hell am I to say that anything is dead?

So I form a rock band and we make the greatest music and become the most successful rock band ever does that mean that I am now the curator of ALL rock? So now I can speak on behalf of rock? I can declare rock dead when I want? And if I say rock is dead does that mean that everyone playing "rock" is suddenly not?

It's ridiculous.

Why even say anything is dead?

Nothing really ever dies--except those sea monkeys I bought the other day, they are definitely dead.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Everything is Dead

Why does everybody think that everything is dead? I hear it all the time....Rock is dead, Punk Rock is dead, Hip-Hop is dead, Chivalry is dead, Patriotism is dead.......etc. When did everything die? I have heard that these things are not only dead but they have been killed. Why didn't anyone tell me about this?

Who didn't have an infatuation with Faces of Death in the mid-90's? Who doesn't want to see something die? Which brings me to my next point. Why is it always cool things that end up dying? Why don't I ever hear about things like metrosexuality dying? It seems to me that the common man is the one that is dying.

I was watching Hidalgo last night and at the end Mr. Bad-Ass-I-Just-Raced-Across-the Arabian-Sands Viggo Mortenson lets his horse go back into the wild and what does he do? He starts to cry........I stayed up until one o freaking clock to watch this movie and this little homo starts to cry.

Which brings me to my next question. When is the correlation between some of the coolest words to use to insult your friends (homo, fag, queer) and actual homosexuals going to die? Can someone kill that please? I refuse to stop using those words because I am a man and I act like a man and I use offensive words without apology because that is what men do. I would never call a gay person anyone of those words because as a man I am respectful and do not need to put others down in order to feel like a man.

It is just fun and funny to do so amongst your closest friends. That being said can someone please tell me when something badass is about to be killed? I would like the opportunity to try and save it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


So you know on myspace and other "reputable" sites how they have that one ad where you have to "click here" to save the guy from a bear attack, or from a piranha attack, or from a bear with piranhas in his mouth and so when he growls he spits piranhas at you attack?

Well, I love, and I mean LOVE clicking the button just enough to where the little guy has a fighting chance and then I cease the clicking and watch him die an awful, bloody mess.

I love it.

That's what those stupid ad people get for making me do something against my will (stop a senseless animal attack on a stupid man who shouldn't be in that position to begin with) to get something for "free". I just wish there was a "click here" button for people that actually believe they will get a free ishit or whatever is the flavor of the week if they just save the little guys life because you know there is somebody that's falling for it or else they wouldn't make anymore masochist ads like these...yeah, that would be great...


So why are we, as a society, so Charmin soft? Why in 2007 do we get offended at the term "ho"? Why do we have press conferences when we say "that's so gay"? I mean, I know the pen is mightier than the sword and that sticks and stones and all that bullshit but I mean, come on right? If I pay someone to be "controversial and shocking" and then that person shocks people and causes a controversy, do I now fire that person for doing his job? I don't agree with this person and I am offended but isn't that what im frikkin paying for?

Good thing there are people sitting at a computer listening to every radio show, watching every television show and reading everything ever published looking for anything that is mildly offensive. Yeah, that type of dedication isn't needed anywhere else in the world...

Monday, May 21, 2007

Of course!!

i talk back to email messages...this is weird behavior, i think...the person emailing me can not hear me telling them that i would "love to look into that" when they send me an email to do them a favor and yet, i still speak to my screen...and the worst part is that i answer in the corniest voice (i like to think that my sarcasm has become so prevalent that i am a sarcastic bastard even when im sincere....thats sweet...)
I like big butts and i cannot lie...