Friday, September 19, 2008

San Diego is Gay

This is a picture of the San Diego Padres rookies prancing about in a not-so-creative annual hazing. What you can't see is the veterans in the dugout and an entire stadium of only men giving each other the ol' heave ho. There can't possibly be any baby wards in that city because all the men are constantly giving each other blow jobs. If a woman miraculously gets pregnant with a future sword fighter she has to drive into Tijuana to give birth. I think the only thing gayer than San Diego is a grown man bragging about San Diego.

P.S. Fuck You Matt.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

A/S/L Wanna Chat?

I had this conversation with a friend of mine earlier and the whole time I was thinking. To show you bastards what goes on in my head I decided to record my thoughts.

*As before, the name of my friend has been changed to protect their identity*

me: How are you doing? God, here we go. Time to keep up appearances.

ShNiki: phew...phew? What do you really do? what aday. but i am good and yourself?

sounds like you are having a great time!

me: not bad I just wasted a ton of my time I really did...

and I actually need to get stuff done today I really do PAUSEnot

ShNiki: what did you waste your time doing?

me: walking around talking about shit that I am going to be doing anyway

I am a 26 year old man working with all 55+ women

who do you think is going to be moving all this shit?

ShNiki: you are the burly lacky? burly? Did we go to sleep and wake up in the 40's?

me: yes, yes I am

What happened in your day?

Shniki: well there was a video/teleconfernce that i had to take care of because the representative from our company is in France pussies, and all the people that were in the meeting here were from other companies, so I was the face of the group and the contact person

me: wow that sounds like fun Take me now.

look at you putting those limited resources you were born with to good use. Oh shit, I better put something else here being the face of something

ShNiki: i know. Feel the jealous!

lol usually not a good thing! Look at me, look at me, please, compliment me.

I didn't.

me: so what else happened? *Dismissive wanking motion*

ShNiki: well it was a four hour meeting so i had to take care of the copies, video/teleconference logistics, the food, the going to the store to get more sodas the cleaning up along with all the other asinine things that people give me. Such as people who have been here longer than me and do the same job i do HOLY SHIT, you are still typing? not knowing what the difference between the bypass tray and tray 1

me: so basically you work with monkeys? This is what we in the "biz" call "throwing them a bone"

ShNiki: ya. with phd's

me: Wow Well. You slept with someone to get that job.

ShNiki: yep. be jealous of me

me: oh I am very jealous God, this is brutal. How can I get out of this? OOOH OOH, got it.

any plans for tonight or the weekend?

ShNiki: uhm? why?

Because I am writing a fucking report on what boring people do with their free time.

me: just asking

ShNiki: well, tonight not so much *shocked, friday, not so much *shocked, saturday i have a birthday party Yes yes, a "birthday party" read: not so much

and you? DAMMIT, I fell into that one. How do I avoid THIS...aannndddd ignore.

me: Whose birthday is it?

ShNiki: My friend Becca "friend". You used to play B-ball <--Who are you, the Fresh Prince?with her bro. Quincy, but we have talked about him before and you don't remember him I barely remember who you are, why should I remember that asshole?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Come on you bastards. Everyday I log into my adsense account and everyday I see this sad and pitiful sight.

That makes me so sad that if I had a monkey I would spank it every time I saw that. Also I know that this is a moot point because only 1 or 2 people actually read this regularly but if you do happen to stumble across it please leave a comment. Google is reading the web page and it thinks we are interested in this stuff.As I have said before, St. Boringville is a town that accepts and welcomes with open arms all people from all walks of life. If you are a man and you want to wear a pouch thong *shudder then who am I to stop you? Who am I to call you a gay faggot queer who reigns over gay kingdom as High Queen of butt pirates and fudge packers? Who am I to say that you disgust me and that they should, along with the blacks and the Jews, stick you all on an island somewhere. NO GOOD SIRS, that is not my place to tell you something like that so you keep on wearing what you want to.

But for the love of god can we make another post the most popular so I don't have to keep looking at that queer shit everyday.

Diplomatic Greetings

Some of you have bitched and moaned about my usage of the picture of Stephen Hawking.
And by some of you I mean the people in my delusional fantasy land where this blog is actually popular and doesn't just serve to stave off my murderous rampage if not for another day.
To these people I give you this.
Stephen Hawking can literally lick my balls. People who say it is wrong to make fun of someone in his condition can l-i-c-k m-y- b-a-l-l-s.
Do you know who he is? Do you know what he has done? I make fun of ol'Stevie because I know that whatever I say or whatever I do he will always be able to look at me and tell me to lick HIS balls and I will feel like maybe that is a command that I should follow.
This guy is a freaking genius and not like one of those real men of genius either but a certified mentally pound you in the ass theoretical physicist. This guy belongs to the Pontifical Academy of Sciences. That means that essentially his only purpose in life is to sit around and think shit up that would make YOUR head explode.
Never mind that even without the crippling disease he looks like he would be a nancy boy anyway. And to be quite honest we in St. Boringville question the legitimacy of his disease. I think he is just lazy.
So to you Stephen Hawking we send out a diplomatic caravan loaded with "Fuck You's" and "Lick our balls" ff

That's It

I have had it.
I completely agree that when someone spends over 10 hours a week "playing" fantasy sports it might be time to have a little discussion.
I completely agree that at times men care about trivial things that woman can't seem to understand.
I completely agree that you should find a happy medium between activities alone and activities together.

However, what you women are doing is giving women everywhere the right to bitch and moan about any activity your man does when he is not focusing every ounce of energy on you.
Don't like your man watching TV at night? and get the ball rollin
Don't like your man listening to a certain type of music? and get the ball rollin
Don't like your man eating that extra slice of pizza? and you get the picture.
HEY. Ladies. Here is an idea. Next time your man is at the computer or on the couch "wasting his time" go down on him and see how long he messes around with that thing.
What? You don't do that type of thing?

You are lucky he is still with your depriving ass so sit down and shut the hell up.

Monday, September 15, 2008

An open letter

Dear Co-Worker,

How are you still alive?

Seriously, you are so fucking stupid it makes ME feel stupid and I am a fucking genius.
I ask you to mail something and you look at it like I just handed you the dead sea scrolls. I give you a post-it with a legibly written address on it and you don't spell it out. Then, FedEx needs a phone number and instead of putting one of the 35 numbers (that is a literal number, not an exaggeration) that we have in this office you come out and ask me for a random number. You go back to your cubicle of insanity and come out and hand it back to me and then take a 10 minute break so I can stew in my own pot of hatred for you. When you come back and I question you we have this little exchange.

me: This needs to be addressed to the "Fellowship Selection Committee" not the "Fellows Selection Committee"
you: maybe it didn't fit *begins to ramble and look for an excuse
me: well, did it not fit?
you: no

Why didn't you just say that to begin with? Why does it feel like you are trying to get me the closest I have ever been to murdering someone? Then I realize that you might really be that stupid which scares me because I live on the same planet as you. Then you come back out here as I am typing this to continue on about how it did not fit. Fine, whatever, I do not care anymore. You make me feel like a boy who gets beat up at school only to come home and find out his puppy is dead.

Friday, September 12, 2008


Guate8 (1:03:25 PM): right guys?

csamal (1:03:41 PM): hes gay

csamal (1:03:44 PM): how bout that?

Guate8 (1:04:13 PM): thanks for stroking the ol' ego

Guate8 (1:04:56 PM): (yeah, thats it, stroke it, stroke it, ssstttrrrrooookkkkkeeee iiitttt *falls asleep with cigarette dangling out of mouth)

csamal (1:05:23 PM): wow

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Guess who pissed me off this week? v.2

*whiny piss ass voice* I only eat vegetables
*even whinier pissier voice* Well I am a vegan
*baritone manly man voice* I eat meat and I don't care
Shut up you stupid ass pirates.
I seriously could not care less over what anyone is eating ever.
News flash people, nobody but you and your little freak show following cares about what you or anyone else eats.
Oh look at the poor defenseless little animal that you slaughtered so you could live. Yeah, lets all just eat tofu and vegetables. Do you know what 7 billion people eating nothing but what is grown in the ground would do to this planet? Are you so delusional that you think vegetables would be able to sustain us?
Oh, look at me I eat meat and brag about it because I am a pompous ass who needs to be "controversial" in a pitiful attempt to seem interesting. Eating meat isn't controversial you deustchbag. Not when old man 'GOP member and so conservative he makes Mormons look like a motorcycle gang' river at the table next to you is gumming down some barely cooked steak.
You people make my brain hurt to the point that the only way to alleviate the pain is to murder hookers and stuff them into my trunk.

Monday, September 1, 2008

*Shoots self in head

Why do people go absolutely bat-shit crazy over The Nightmare Before Christmas?

I mean, I have seen it once and it was OK. I enjoyed the visual aspect of it but people bust nuts over this thing. I just don't get it. You can always tell who is on the brink of orgasm over this movie too. Next time you are in a social situation just say, "You know what I thought was an overrated movie? The Nightmar....." At this point, you should experience what feels like a light breeze brushing against your face. This is actually not the result of being in a drafty room rather the very small fist of a very dainty man who you have just deeply and personally offended.

Seriously though, these people act like they were on the set and gave advice to Henry Selick and were in Tim Burton's studio while he conceived the whole thing. Seriously people, take your hand out of your pants, clean up the mess and stop giving such a damn about something that you in no part helped to create.