Monday, August 31, 2009

Unadulterated Love

I love and I do mean love fake animals doing things.
Look at this picture and tell me that isn't one of the funniest things you have seen all day besides looking down in the shower...

What you are seeing here is a "chinchilli" chasing Mexicans
(extra points for blatant racist images)
Now I am obviously a very busy man. I am in charge of East St. Boringville's #1 export and we are a small business oriented community with strong family values.
*#1 Export of E. St. Boringville*

My point being that I do not have the patience nor the interns to research EVERY instance of fake animals doing things. Actually, if I could get at least 1 intern to help me my work would be so much easier. I mean how hard is it to find an 18-19 year old girl who doesn't mind working in a "liberal" office where it's totally normal to sit on my lap while we work. We are in a fucking recession people AND we are striving to go green. I am just doing my part by having one office chair and 15 intern spots open. Jeeze, get off my back already.
Anyway, what was I saying? Something about animals and shit?
Man I gotta stop drinking in the morning.

*10 AM meeting*

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


What happened to rap?
How did we go from this?

to this?

Seriously? How is it that we arrived at this impasse?
I know that money and corporate (white) greed have a lot to do with this but at what point does an artist look in the mirror and say

"man, I look like a fucking clown"
*Ronald McDonald that ho*

I am not even trying to be funny...(ok, maybe a little with that last picture)
I think the music of a generation helps to define that generation and if that is the case I and everyone else who identify with the 90's are grimy son.

Fuck You Soldier BOY

Friday, June 26, 2009

Farewell and Good Luck

St. Boringville has always been and will always be for the children. This is why we placed a lifetime ban on Michael Jackson a very long time ago. The archives department of St. Boringville has dug deep into the files and the lifetime ban notification can be found here. The news that Michael Jackson had passed away yesterday came to the delight of most young boys.
We are here today to mourn this man, not the white woman who was reclusive and hung his child over a rail. This man gave us Thriller, Bad, Don't Stop..., Billie Jean, etc.
We also would like to send out our warmest wishes to the children of Michael Jackson. What were they again? "Pillow" and "Sprinkle Cup"?? and "Melondrop Kisses from the Moon Men"? *Always welcome in St. Boringville*

So in closing I would like to say that while St. Boringville did in fact place a lifetime ban on Michael Jackson, we do respe....aww fuck it, the guy was a child molester people. I hope he burns in hell right along with Hitler and Mother Theresa.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Dear Co-Worker,

My body is an amazing thing. I enjoy the way it guards my life and allows me to achieve greatness. Have you ever thought about the greatness inherent with even the simplest of tasks that are performed by my body? If I get too cold it prompts my muscles to shake slightly in order to warm me. If it gets too warm it causes pores in my amazing epidermis to open and emit a minute quantity of liquid to cool me down. Did you also know that as amazing as this liquid is that is emitted, it has some unintended consequences? Were you aware that social norms require me to try and control this amazing cooling function because of these unintended side effects? So why in the HOLY FUCK is the thermometer set at 84 degrees indoors in the summer in the middle of the FUCKING desert ? Did you know that ones own sweat, no matter how perfumed, still smells like a dead corpse after one sits in it for 8 FUCKING hours?

Your response--you chose to live in the desert, so you should be used to the heat--holds little water when one stops to consider that I am not a FUCKING pioneer. I live in a day and age where conditioned air is readily available and reasonably priced so why exactly should I EVER get used to the outside temperature? I am outside for approximately 2% of the day between my conditioned house, my conditioned car and my previously conditioned workplace. Why are you afraid to admit the real reason why you choose to live your life at 85 degrees farenheit? Are your convictions in your fatally flawed geopolitics so weak that you hide behind this weak ass argument? Tell me how many trees I kill every time I lower the thermostat to a reasonable temperature or how many pandas just lost their natural habitats you gutless BITCH. I can respect this. I hope your Prius has an electrical failure and you lose control of all your systems and you run over a desert tortoise humping a panda who is fellating a white tiger on your way to your fiery death.


Panda Killer

Monday, June 1, 2009

Another (sigh) open letter to A DIFFERENT co-worker

Dear Co-Worker,

Why are you such a spaz? Why is it that I can detect when you have tornado'd your way through my work space?
Is this how my paper clip dispenser (which has a hole in the top of it for easy, ready access to the paperclips) looked when you first grabbed it like George grabs bunnies?

How do you not notice this is not how the books and cup holder on my desk looked like before you crashed into them like a tsunami?

Is your name Katrina? Did you break the levees?

*My co-worker apparently

In conclusion, please stay the fuck away from my desk or I will be forced to write a strongly worded email to our boss. (I hate pussy ass white collar America, dammit)

Monday, April 13, 2009


I mean, this is just too good to be true from the standpoint of the East St. Boringville faction. Here we are all worried about what to get the expectant father and then Slathuthar sends us this gem. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present you with the worlds greatest shirt for an expectant father. *YESSSSSS

Monday, March 30, 2009


St. Boringville was rocked as news was broken that a member of our community will be having a baby soon.
(wait, this isn't a gay community? *starts packing bags)

St. Boringville is abuzz at what sex the baby will be and what the name of the newest member of our quaint little town will be.

I on the other hand am abuzz as to how I can use this occasion to mock humanity and more importantly, the father endlessly.

Ladies and Gentleman, I introduce the newest weekly (or somewhere around there) segment.


This beautiful device allows you to carry around your baby as you sashay your pretty little ass all around the town square. Note that instead of wearing the baby like a backpack you can have him on your hip. I 100% guarantee that a woman designed this product.

*I only hope every man can feel the joy of the model in this picture one day