Thursday, May 31, 2007

Jail and STD's

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are whores.

Can you imagine what Paris will be like in jail?

Chances are she won't be saying "that's hot" while a butch lesbo named cutter, for her ability to make shanks out of nothing, is holding her in her bulging sweaty arms. I am glad she is going to jail. I wish I could say that she is going to be a big ugly whore who wont eat or touch anything because she is so used to everything being brand name. I wish I could say that but the ladies (and I use that term loosely like Lohans nether regions) in jail are going to love her.

You know they are.

She will act all cute and naive and she will have a fantastic time in jail because that is how God repays hard work and diligence. I hate the Paris Hilton's of this world.

Now let me turn my attention to the petri dish of STD's that is Lindsay Lohan. You know she does, you know she has.....Don't tell me that you look at her and say "gee, I bet she has never had the clap or syphilis. I bet she doesn't have Herpes coursing through her veins right now." If you can say that to me I will gladly punch you in the face until you realize the error of your ways. How many guys has she been with now? I lost count after the gay dude from That 70's Show who apparently has the magic stick got done defiling her.

I used to think that both of them were attractive but looks will only take you so far when you have been with millions of men and you are in and out of rehab.

I am all worked up now, THANKS you whores.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


So I began to ponder the subject of the last blog and began to wonder about my children. What kind of world will they grow up in?

I often wonder if my parents were how I am now at one point in their lives. I wonder if they envisioned a world for me in the same way I envision a world for MY children. I wonder why the world seems more dangerous and evil now than it did when I was a child.

I think in order to answer this question one must delve deep into the inner recesses of the consciousness of what is known as "society" or blame Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

I vote for the latter.



There are alot of things wrong in the world today. It seems that the world was a much better place when I was a kid growing up. Or is it that I was only ever doing fun things and never really worried about what was going on around me?

You decide but this is what I remember........I remember when gas prices were below $1.50. I remember when cars didn't have airbags....I remember when airbags started to come out they were only on the high end cars.....I remember when walking to school was safe.....I remember when neighbors were in your business and that's the way you liked it....I remember when neighbors were into bad shit but they still watched out for the kids.....

I remember when you could walk through the woods and not worry about being molested or kidnapped, except for four tunnels. I remember when four tunnels was the spot to be if you were brave enough. I remember when places like four tunnels always had somebody there.....

I remember the day I played Mario Bros on Nintendo....I remember when you couldn't play Nintendo all day and night because eventually you would get a headache....I remember that if you could play it all day and night you better not turn it off or you might get the blue screen.....I remember when you would have to jam a piece of wood in to get the game to work.....I remember it being damn worth it......

I remember when I was a remote control......I remember when a wrench was essential to watching TV.....I remember when the two best shows on TV were about a white family and a black family.....I remember when The Simpsons were shorts on the Tracy Ullman show.....I remember when I heard Bart Simpson say "Don't have a Cow Man" and "Eat my Shorts" for the first time....I remember trying to spell "D'oh" for the first time......

I remember when not paying attention in school got you ass whoopings, not a diagnosis and drugs.....I remember when an ass whooping was just that, no cupped hand through the pants bullshit......I remember thinking that I would never do that to my children, now I feel that through those whoopings I earned the right to do it to my kids....

I remember the first time I was allowed to go to the movies without my parent....I remember standing in line to use the pay phone after the movie and not because we couldn't afford a cell phone.

These are just a few things that I remember about the world past. Now it seems that everything is replaced a few years after it is released.

I hope one day my kids will have fond memories of there childhood but I can guarantee that they will not experience any of what I have written.

Friday, May 25, 2007


Everything is dead because of money. Everyone wants to declare everything is dead so that when THEY resurrect it or find its replacement they can get credited (and paid) for the great act of bringing back that which was dead.

Who the hell am I to say that anything is dead?

So I form a rock band and we make the greatest music and become the most successful rock band ever does that mean that I am now the curator of ALL rock? So now I can speak on behalf of rock? I can declare rock dead when I want? And if I say rock is dead does that mean that everyone playing "rock" is suddenly not?

It's ridiculous.

Why even say anything is dead?

Nothing really ever dies--except those sea monkeys I bought the other day, they are definitely dead.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Everything is Dead

Why does everybody think that everything is dead? I hear it all the time....Rock is dead, Punk Rock is dead, Hip-Hop is dead, Chivalry is dead, Patriotism is dead.......etc. When did everything die? I have heard that these things are not only dead but they have been killed. Why didn't anyone tell me about this?

Who didn't have an infatuation with Faces of Death in the mid-90's? Who doesn't want to see something die? Which brings me to my next point. Why is it always cool things that end up dying? Why don't I ever hear about things like metrosexuality dying? It seems to me that the common man is the one that is dying.

I was watching Hidalgo last night and at the end Mr. Bad-Ass-I-Just-Raced-Across-the Arabian-Sands Viggo Mortenson lets his horse go back into the wild and what does he do? He starts to cry........I stayed up until one o freaking clock to watch this movie and this little homo starts to cry.

Which brings me to my next question. When is the correlation between some of the coolest words to use to insult your friends (homo, fag, queer) and actual homosexuals going to die? Can someone kill that please? I refuse to stop using those words because I am a man and I act like a man and I use offensive words without apology because that is what men do. I would never call a gay person anyone of those words because as a man I am respectful and do not need to put others down in order to feel like a man.

It is just fun and funny to do so amongst your closest friends. That being said can someone please tell me when something badass is about to be killed? I would like the opportunity to try and save it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


So you know on myspace and other "reputable" sites how they have that one ad where you have to "click here" to save the guy from a bear attack, or from a piranha attack, or from a bear with piranhas in his mouth and so when he growls he spits piranhas at you attack?

Well, I love, and I mean LOVE clicking the button just enough to where the little guy has a fighting chance and then I cease the clicking and watch him die an awful, bloody mess.

I love it.

That's what those stupid ad people get for making me do something against my will (stop a senseless animal attack on a stupid man who shouldn't be in that position to begin with) to get something for "free". I just wish there was a "click here" button for people that actually believe they will get a free ishit or whatever is the flavor of the week if they just save the little guys life because you know there is somebody that's falling for it or else they wouldn't make anymore masochist ads like these...yeah, that would be great...


So why are we, as a society, so Charmin soft? Why in 2007 do we get offended at the term "ho"? Why do we have press conferences when we say "that's so gay"? I mean, I know the pen is mightier than the sword and that sticks and stones and all that bullshit but I mean, come on right? If I pay someone to be "controversial and shocking" and then that person shocks people and causes a controversy, do I now fire that person for doing his job? I don't agree with this person and I am offended but isn't that what im frikkin paying for?

Good thing there are people sitting at a computer listening to every radio show, watching every television show and reading everything ever published looking for anything that is mildly offensive. Yeah, that type of dedication isn't needed anywhere else in the world...

Monday, May 21, 2007

Of course!!

i talk back to email messages...this is weird behavior, i think...the person emailing me can not hear me telling them that i would "love to look into that" when they send me an email to do them a favor and yet, i still speak to my screen...and the worst part is that i answer in the corniest voice (i like to think that my sarcasm has become so prevalent that i am a sarcastic bastard even when im sincere....thats sweet...)
I like big butts and i cannot lie...