Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Dear Co-Worker,

My body is an amazing thing. I enjoy the way it guards my life and allows me to achieve greatness. Have you ever thought about the greatness inherent with even the simplest of tasks that are performed by my body? If I get too cold it prompts my muscles to shake slightly in order to warm me. If it gets too warm it causes pores in my amazing epidermis to open and emit a minute quantity of liquid to cool me down. Did you also know that as amazing as this liquid is that is emitted, it has some unintended consequences? Were you aware that social norms require me to try and control this amazing cooling function because of these unintended side effects? So why in the HOLY FUCK is the thermometer set at 84 degrees indoors in the summer in the middle of the FUCKING desert ? Did you know that ones own sweat, no matter how perfumed, still smells like a dead corpse after one sits in it for 8 FUCKING hours?

Your response--you chose to live in the desert, so you should be used to the heat--holds little water when one stops to consider that I am not a FUCKING pioneer. I live in a day and age where conditioned air is readily available and reasonably priced so why exactly should I EVER get used to the outside temperature? I am outside for approximately 2% of the day between my conditioned house, my conditioned car and my previously conditioned workplace. Why are you afraid to admit the real reason why you choose to live your life at 85 degrees farenheit? Are your convictions in your fatally flawed geopolitics so weak that you hide behind this weak ass argument? Tell me how many trees I kill every time I lower the thermostat to a reasonable temperature or how many pandas just lost their natural habitats you gutless BITCH. I can respect this. I hope your Prius has an electrical failure and you lose control of all your systems and you run over a desert tortoise humping a panda who is fellating a white tiger on your way to your fiery death.


Panda Killer

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